So i’m sitting here on the sofa in front of the telly writing this in my NYC t-shirt (exciting stuff right). The other day one of my wonderful E15 friends wrote a blog entry about her feelings since graduating from drama school and what she wrote is exactly how I’ve been feeling as well.
I think there has been almost too much pressure put on us since graduating. Like why aren’t we all gracing West End stages or Hollywood screens right now?! Well yeah, it doesn’t happen like that unfortunately. Since graduating I have got an agent, been to a couple of auditions, all of which I can count on one hand and been given a few offers (which is better than nothing) and started a new job which has nothing to do with acting whatsoever. Do I enjoy it? Well..the new job novelty has worn off, but its a job and at the end of the day its allowing me to put money aside for other things.
That feeling of failure is constantly whirling around my head – am I doing enough? Well maybe not right at this moment, but sometimes taking a step back and taking a breath is also good. Currently I’m battling with a stupid lack of self confidence which is totally and utterly stupid, but it happens to all of us. I don’t want sympathy, I need a smack really (£1 a slap..).
It has become incredibly obvious to me why most people give up the acting career. It is hard. Auditions are nerve wracking and somewhat demoralizing no matter how many you go to. A couple of weeks ago I auditioned for Disenchanted, in front of a group of people I know and am friends with, yet I still felt like I was going to vomit and my throat went so dry I didn’t think i’d be able to sing at all. And that was just for a local am dram show, so pro auditions are 10 times worse (for me anyway).
Some of you may have been following on facebook that myself and my awesome best friend Louise are doing the couch to 5k. Well we’ve just completed week 6 – a 22 minute run without stopping. Now this may seem like a piece of piss to most people, but 6 weeks ago the thought of running 3 minutes non stop filled me with dread. Anyway where i’m going with this part of my random post is the ability to have a positive mental attitude and will power. When I finished my run today I felt so awesome and proud of myself for actually doing it. I could have easily stopped and walked, but didn’t. That voice which continuously tells you to stop gets pushed aside and you somehow prove to your mind and body that “I CAN DO THIS”.
What i’m trying to say is, positive mental attitude is so important. Those times when I think i’m crap, i’m a failure, I can’t get any work, is acting really worth it? Well no, i’m not crap, no i’m not a failure, it’s not that I can’t get work – its the typical industry and i’ve got to fight for it and is acting really worth it? Of course it bloody well is Baker. I aid all of you to find the positive side to everything. I do believe everything happens for a reason and even though the acting career is going incredibly slow at the moment, I know something will suddenly come up when I least expect it.
For now i’m just going to enjoy the ride of life and see what happens. Continuing to be positive and happy (although we can’t always be happy, i like a good cry hahhaa).
Keep striving and chasing your dream – Happy Saturday xx